Philia

I have a friend who usually lives in Eastern Europe. For that reason, we don't see each other very often. We're pretty different people too; with distinct dreams, beliefs and priorities. Catching up with my friend is a rare but beautiful thing. It's usually a quick Skype call or message thread when we're not in the same place, or an evening with food or cocktails if we cross paths in London.

Until recently, I presumed that to have a great friendship with someone, you needed to see them regularly, talk all the time, and tell them every moment in your life as it happened. I'm learning that there isn't just one way that friendship occurs.

Philia, one of the 4 ancient greek words for love, is often translated as "affection" or "fondness", but is most commonly attributed to that word I've already used excessively in the past two paragraphs - friendship.

C.S Lewis, in his beautiful book, The Four Loves, is both realistic and poetic when it comes to this sort of love. Describing it as "the least biological, organic, instinctive, gregarious and necessary.." of the four. Yet he argues, it's all the more profound and significant, because we choose to engage in it - building relationship with people who we have something in common with.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one [man] says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself..." 

Friendship - philia love -is an art that we all need to get better at. We so easily detach from people when they say something shocking or do something that upsets us. We forget to forgive one another with the generosity that we should. Or we spend too much time imposing our opinions, emotions and views on each other. We forget to enjoy one another's personalities; the reasons we decided to call ourselves 'friends' in the first place. Or sometimes, (and I'm very good at this) we enforce ourselves on others - demanding coffee, dinner, or chat, because it seems like it's been too long, or because we're nosy about what's happening in someone's life.

Meeting my friend in London last night was one of those beautiful times that was full of appreciation. We didn't talk negatively or deeply; it was full of catching up and enjoying our time. Not just because it had been too long, but simply because we just wanted to hang out together. And there will probably be a pause before the next reunion; for one, we aren't sure when we'll next be in the same place again.

Especially in big cities, philia love is squeezed into after work drinks, grabbing a quick coffee, or finding a free space to occupy with another who happens to share the same schedule. So often, it's overlooked and under appreciated in comparison to eros love; or less important and shallower than agape love.

But philia love shouldn't be ignored. When we find ourselves in a far flung place or in a ridiculous situation, our friends are the ones we miss most. I'm learning that sharing experience is a vital part of what it means to be human; so those people we share life with are incredibly special indeed.

"No one would choose to live without friends even if he had all the other goods" - Aristotle.

 

This post is part of a mini-series on The Four Loves. Read the others by clicking on the label below...